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A Timeless Classic - How to Win Friends & Influence People

Writer's picture: Valerio TomassoValerio Tomasso

Actionable Takeaways

This week in the Podcast we discuss How to Win Friends and Influence people. Written over 80 years ago, it still contains relevant concept on winning over others, influencing stakeholders and networking.

Whereas the books offers a number of lessons - this article will discuss the four actionable takeaways that resonate with me the most.

Takeaway 1: Remember Names

Regardless of whether you work in a large team or a small team, you should make every efforts to learn names. If you don't quite get it, or if you realise that your brain has already forgotten the name, it's ok to ask again. The importance is that you are upfront and ask sooner rather than later.

Here is a little anecdote: once upon a time, I worked for the Apple Store. I underwent a lengthy recruitment process - three stages - where 100s of people were hired for the launch of a new store. Following the successful recruitment, the entire team was invited to a two week training period in a conference centre.

Now, this training goes back to a few years ago, maybe 10? Yet, I still remember entering the hotel reception as it was yesterday. As each of us entered, our manager stood by the entrance and greeted us one by one using our names.

"Good Morning Valerio, how are you?"
"Hey Andrew, how's it going?"

Person after person they greeted each one of us individually. I had only met the managers in three occasions during the interview stages. Yet, they had made the effort of learning all of our names and make us feel special!

Being Italian, and having a non-standard name, I have also had less positive experiences. I have been called many things. Valerie, Valeria, Valentino, Malaria (yes this happened) - and the one that really takes the top spot was "Giovanni". I guess at least the name's country of origin was correct?!


Takeaway 2: Never tell someone they are wrong!

Yes, they may be wrong, but telling them they are wrong is only going to build friction in the conversation, hurt their pride, and erode trust. It is difficult at times to resist the temptation - however, if you are truly looking to win someone over then try engaging the following questions:

Why do you think that's the case?
What makes you say that?
Why do you feel the way you do?

Let's employ an example.

Let's say that Alex buys a fitness tracker from John. Alex wears it for a day and then says "this fitness tracker sucks! "John could reply "erm - mate, you are wrong. That's the best on the market for the price range! You have no idea what you are talking about!".

How do you think this conversation will end?

Instead, John could say "why do you think that's the case?" This question opens up dialogue and allows Alex and opportunity to express the reasons why he thinks the tracker is "useless" - in our case, Alex might say that "it's not suitable for swimming"; at which point, John could simply offer Alex a better, more suitable alternatives.

This is a simple transactional example, but think back to these situation where you have been itching to tell someone they were wrong. It may have paid off in the few seconds after you spoke the words, but was it really worth it? Looking back a few years from now, would it be the behaviour or actions that makes you feel proud of how you have handled the situation?

Asking the why behind a person's statement or belief wins on two accounts: 1) it allows the person talking to you to feel heard 2) it allows you to get to the true root cause of the complaint.


Takeaway 3: Ask questions, do not give orders!

Think back to the last time you were trying to get someone to take an action, what did you say or do? Here is an example

"I need your team to complete the printing and deployment of posters"

Now let's try a different approach. Let's ask the other party for their commitment and let's explain the why. Try phasing your request in such a way that it is a question and leaves the person with an option:

"By when do you think you would be able to complete the printing and deployment of posters?"

This method can be used in goal setting too. It allows for report to feel involved in their development and allows them to be more engaged and committed to the activity.


Takeaway 4: Talk in terms of someone else's interests

To build genuine relationship and connections with others you must become interested in their life. Sometimes it could be hard or awkward at a networking event, or a party, to get to know others. I personally find it difficult. A million questions go through my head when meeting new people: "what will the other person think of me? What if I say something silly? What if they don't think highly of me? What if they don't understand what I am saying?"

Through this book, I have learnt that networking can be much easier if we think less about ourselves and more about the other people. What I mean with this is - ask the other person questions. Get to genuinely know them, find out about their hobbies, passions, what they do - and you will have two great end results: 1) the networking will become less taxing 2) people will remember you as the person who took an interest in them.

Ultimately, people like to talk about themselves and like to talk about their passions. If you are getting to know someone, you could ask something as simple as:

"What do you do outside of work?"

To which you will probably receive a list of items. Use one or two of the items to explore further and get them talking more about what they are passionate!

"Oh you like exercising? That's great - what kind of things do you do?"

This concept is not limited to networking or meeting new people.

Talk in terms of someone else's interest also works when asking someone for a favour or attempting to influence someone to complete something for your own project. You can talk in terms of what's in it for them. Let's go back to a previous example:

"By when do you think you would be able to complete the printing and deployment of posters? I know you guys are going to get busier next week, so I would rather ask now when you may have some spare capacity".

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